First Month: Notes From a Nervous Beginner

Week one. I have rewritten my profile nine times. My friend Tash, who has done this for six years, read the ninth version and said, "Stop. It's you. It's good." Then she made me practise my screening questions out loud in her kitchen until I stopped saying "um" between each one. I didn't sleep much.

Week one, Thursday. First booking. I got to the hotel early and walked around the block twice because my hands were shaking. I kept thinking I'd be found out, although I couldn't have told you what I was afraid of being found out as. He was polite, a little formal, a tradesman in town for a conference. He noticed I was nervous and said, "Me too, if it helps." It did. I won't write the rest down, but I will say that I left feeling taller than when I arrived.

Week two

Brisbane in spring is ridiculous. The jacarandas are starting and the whole city smells faintly of sunscreen and cut grass. I had four bookings this week and one cancellation, which Tash says is normal. I sent my first polite reminder about the deposit policy and nobody argued. I keep a little notebook now for what went well and what I'd change. So far the list of changes is mostly about shoes.

Week three

A hard one. A man on the phone pushed back on my boundaries, asking for things I don't offer, and I felt the old urge to smooth it over and be agreeable. Instead I said, "That's not something I provide, but I hope you find what you're looking for," and I ended the call. Then I sat on the floor of the bathroom for ten minutes and felt oddly proud. Tash sent me a gif of a cat slamming a door. I laughed until I cried a bit.

Week four

Three regulars have already rebooked. One brought me a coffee exactly the way I'd mentioned liking it a fortnight earlier, which floored me. I'm learning that people remember the small things you give them, and they give small things back.

Tonight I'm sitting on the balcony with the fairy lights on, adding up the month. Not just the money, though the money is honest and mine. The other things too:

• I can say no without apologising.
• I can say yes without feeling I owe anyone an explanation.
• I am good at making strangers feel at ease.

I was so scared a month ago. I'm still a bit scared, but mostly I'm curious about who I'll be by Christmas.